World AIDS Day 2009

Yeah, I’m a day late but I was in-flight back to the City under Red Sun and didn’t get in until late…

So….. December 1st is (was) World AIDS Day! A day to stop and reflect on the plague of our time and the terrible toll it has taken worldwide. To date, this scourge has claimed the lives of some 28 million people, and another estimated 33 million people around the world are currently living with the disease. There is no cure!!!

By now, we all now the devastation this plague has caused. But today (and EVERYDAY), perhaps more than ever, we really need to stop and reflect on this disease and our lives in the shadow of AIDS/HIV. Too many of us see AIDS and HIV as an African problem. Too many of us see it as a African American problem. Too many of us still see it as a homosexual problem. Somehow we always manage to map it outside our spheres, outside of our personal definitions of ourselves. Perhaps it’s because we aren’t African, or African American. Perhaps we don’t live in DC, NYC ATL or San Francisco. Perhaps we aren’t gay. Then again, maybe we’re too young to remember those truly terrible days, before the anti-retroviral drug cocktails, when an HIV diagnosis meant certain death, and when we watched helplessly as our best friends and family and our idols wasted away and died.

Those days a gone! The fear has subsided, and in its place a terrible new disease has taken hold. This disease…. complacency. Here in the City under Red Sun, as elsewhere, people just aren’t very concerned with AIDS. More than anywhere else, it really is seen as something that happens to other people in some other place in some other other time. Too many times have I heard that AIDS/HIV is alternately a gay, Black, or foreigner disease. And if you’re a gay, Black foreigner (such as myself), then you’re the living embodiment of risk. Largely separated from these at-risk “others”, Japan is lulled in a false sense of security.

BUT AIDS/HIV IS EVERYWHERE. AND EVERYONE IS AT RISK!!!

What really scares me and where to get tested after the break

Shitsugyouteate

Yeahhhhh, boy!

So in my last post, I had just left the unemployment office WITHOUT the getting paid my 失業手当 [shitsugyoteate - unemployment allowance]. Yeah, I was hot ….and broke!!! The ¥1,000 that I had in my pocket was all the money I had in the world at that point, and I needed half of that just to get home! Normally in situations like this, I’d spend the next few hours yelling the F-word at the top of lungs every 5 seconds. It’s an aggressive (violent even) response to negative stimuli, which serves to focus me on the one, singular source of my anger and attack it. But these days, there just hasn’t been much fight left in me. So today, I pulled my hood low over my face and cried! ALL.THE.WAY.HOME….

I went home and got right in the bed, clothes and all, hoping to sleep straight through my birthday, straight through to Friday. My eyes were closed, but truth is I couldn’t sleep at all, mind following every thought in the darkness. But when I opened my eyes – 18 hours later!!! – I was literally blinded by the light! October 29th…. my birthday!!!

I was done crying, but maybe not quite ready to face the world. But still I did somehow feel better. Renewed. Stronger. For better or worse, I was going to HAVE to stick it out right here… at least until I finish my studies. And maybe that’s why I didn’t immediately call home. My folk back home definitely mean well but would have insisted that I come home right away, without fully accounting for everything I’ve been working for these past two years, namely my MBA program, which I’m 5 months away from completing.

So yeah, most of my birthday was spent in the apartment, studying and generally regrouping, getting myself fully in the mindset that I’mma stand tall, right here, whether I got a million yen or a single yen. By the time the Great Logistician came by to treat me to dinner, I had amped myself enough to face the world and fight another day.

Friday morning, instead of my 4 episodes of the Wire, I only watched two episodes of Omar rocking Avon’s world and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day studying for my Managerial Accounting exam. Yep, all in all, it was a productive day! What I didn’t know was the Unemployment did NOT wait until November 5th to deposit my 失業手当 [shitsugyouteate - unemployement allowance]. No, at some point doing the day, my money was deposited.

I had just chalked up the fact that I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent, and that Miss Lady that’s letting me sublet her place was just gonna have to be mad at me until Thursday. Last night, though, I decided that I’d just give go to ATM and give her whatever was there. Last time I had checked it yas ¥5!, but then this morning….

¥¥¥

Y’all know I ain’t the religious type, but this was something like heaven-sent… EXPRESS! And I had to send up some praises on that one! Praises, indeed!!!

Ninteibi

I’ve been out of work for two months now, and it goes without saying that it’s been hard times financially. I’ve had to scale it waaaay back, so much so that my friends, who are used to me showing up, livin’ it up and generally wildin’ out at every party and event, are asking where I’ve been. I want to think that it’s all because I’ve been studying, but the truth is that I’m broke and generally not in the mood to partying. No, not even on my birthday!

Backing up a bit….

My last day in the office was August 31st. I was looking forward to walking right in the unemployment office the next day to rightfully claim my benefits. But surprise surprise, I was told that I couldn’t claim any benefits without my official separation papers, and the “official” papers I had with me were NOT the papers I needed. Naturally, I made quick and angry call to Scarecrow, who had given me the papers the day before. Only then did he tell me that the papers and forms I actually needed wouldn’t come until after my last payday, and that they had to be sent from corporate headquarters in Osaka.

It took almost a month before those papers came, and not until after repeated inquiries to both my supervisor and Osaka. I was tight, and rightfully so, because I needed to get those benefit payments started right away, especially after I got seriously shortchanged by the financial aid office at school. But yeah, the forms I needed finally came, and I was off again to the unemployment office.

This time, forms in hand, they accepted my application. They explained to me that I would receive my benefits but not until after some time. First, there was a week for which I would receive no benefits at all, then I would have to come back on my 認定日 [ninteibi - certification day], then after another week I would receive payment. Seems I missed the most important part though!

I showed up to the unemployment office fully expecting to walk away with cash in hand. Imagine then my shock when they nice young office worker politely told me that I’d get my money in a week!!! WTF I had budgeted my whole month up until that day. And the ¥1,000 yen that I had in my pocket was the only money I had left! I was seeing red!!! I collected myself just long enough make it back to the train station before I fell apart. Those of you who know me personally already know… I’m emotional. But these past few weeks have really pushed me to the breaking point, and now maybe past. Life, like the moon, waxes and wanes, but I’m not sure if mentally and spiritually I can go on like this. I certainly can’t do it financially! Today is my 29th birthday, and at the end of a very long year I’m thinking maybe my adventures in the City Under Red Sun have indeed come to an end…

Two Sun Dawn and My Jerry Maquire Moment

In the 7 weeks that I’ve been out of work, I’ve decided that for the time being at least I should focus on trying to do a lot of the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the time to actually do. One of these things that I’ve been dying to do is to create an online magazine. Getting everything together for that though has been a process that is still ongoing. Y’all are NOT ready! LOL

In the meantime though, you know, I’ve been working on getting an internet media firm together to manage the magazine and a few of my other creative projects. In addition to managing the magazine, I want to get in to writing, publishing, and artist management. It’s ambitious, I know. But I’m starting with what I can do now, just me, my MacBook and Adobe Suite.

I’ve always down web design and development projects, so I figured I’d churn out a few projects to make some dough to subsidize my income (or rather lack thereof). I know I haven’t actually designed a site in a while, but please believe ya’ man still has it! I did after all get this blog up and running, and designed the logo. As for the extent of my skills, give me a few weeks and I think I’ll knock your socks off!

So I’ve been meeting with a few potential clients these past few weeks. And needless to say, it’s been HARD as HELL! I mean ,they all were interested in my work, which was definitely a good thing seeing as though I don’t have an extensive portfolio (or any portfolio to speak of right now). It was also good that they all wanted things which are well within my technical capabilities. But what was definitely not good was how much they were talking about paying! I mean I know it’s a recession, but DAMN!

I know alot of y’all out there HATE Kanye. But the man is a genius and the inspiration of genius in others. I found this clip on his blog the other day, and it so sums up so much of my interaction with my potential clients as of late.

Sometimes I so just want to scream, “Show me the money!” FYI, I do have one serious client and also is an effing genius. I can’t wait to get his project up so y’all can see what we both can do!

The Catch-Up Part III: Pharrell’s #1 Fan

[*The actual words have been changed because my Japanese is not that good and I was too drunk to remember anyway!]

凄い [sugoi : wow!], he said, ファレルに似てる [Fareru ni niteru: You look like Pharrell!]

It was something I hadn’t heard in a long time! No, not that I look like Pharrell. Being in Japan, I’ve been told I look like every African-American AND East Indian that has ever been on Japanese TV! No, what surprised was that is was an unmistakable pick-up line!!! I was being 軟派’d [nanpa'd: picked-up]!

You gotta understand that Japanese guys are usually painfully shy. And with this whole 草食男子 [soushoku danshi: male herbivore] phenomenon about, I had just gotten used to scared lil’ J-boys looking but being too “herbivorous” to even be interested, let alone actually try to spit game. I was caught off guard!

He was cute for sure! But very Japanese. And I made it New Year’s Resolution to stop dating Japanese boys. Contrary to popular belief, I AM NOT A RICE QUEEN! Just a lil FYI!!! So me and the boys went ahead and got our party on in Kagero. And boy, did we get our lives in that one there! Big ups, Black Mamba, Ming and Nonke!

At a certain point though, I stumbled my drunk, asthmatic ass out of the club and there he was still standing, Pharrell’s #1 Fan! He was cute before but with my ummm, rum-and-coke goggles he had become phoine! And yo, my man had a phatty! LOL Yessir, I was sold.

Now don’t remember the details here… Blame it on the alcohol! But I got him to come in the party, and after a few minutes of sloppy, drunken dancing and even sloppier dance floor groping, I invited him back to mine. I’m gotta edit ALL the details here unfortunately because my Mother may read this, but let it suffice to say that baby boy “took that D like the champ that he is”! (Thanks for that line, Drake!!!)

I woke up the next morning with a real-life J-boy in arms! And he was even more Japanese than I remembered. For starters, he didn’t speak a word of English!!! I still don’t know what it was though but something told me to 頑張れ [ganbare: do my best]. I wasn’t just going to toss this one out.

That was almost 2 months ago! It’s not been easy with the huge language barrier (read: my terrible Japanese and his non-existent English). Or the 8-year age difference – he’s only 21! Or the gross differences in life experiences and expectations. But this one’s sweet, and let’s me be my naturally sweet self with him. I like him! And unlike so many of the other guys I’ve called myself liking, this one likes me back. And that’s 珍しい [mezurashii: rare and odd].

In the midst of my downward spiraling, he’s been something like the a true 神風 [kamikaze: divine wind] carrying my aloft. And he doesn’t even know! My baby…..

*And now I have a reason to get serious about learning Japanese for real for real!!! LMAO

The Catch-Up Part II: Bills, Bills, Bills

Yeah, this definetly calls for a Destiny’s Child throw-waaaaaay-back reference! Bills, bills, bills! In the last post I wrote about some of the “gravitational forces” pulling me down. As bad as those were, there is nothing that fuels my descent into depression more than money issues! It’s something crucial, something like a black hole!

According to Mercer, The City Under Red Sun has regained it’s title as the World’s Most Expensive City! It’s true, folk! It is expensive as hell here! And to be honest, I haven’t been paid properly since I left the quite town with two shores. With the loan repayments for my apartment being deducted from my check, the hourly deductions for my weekly visits to the shrink, plus my random “sick days”, my final check has barely been enough to make ends meet. My financial aid refund served as a buffer the whole time!

But when the refund money ran out, the bills mounted! And honestly, some of them couldn’t get paid. Some of them still haven’t gotten paid, and only G-d knows when they will be. My mailbox overflows with bills. And if I wasn’t already flying into a depression before, the urgency and pressure of those red envelopes only accelerated my descent.

But it gets worse, soon I’ll be out of work altogether, and fickle paycheck will turn into no paycheck. On top of all that, because my job “sponsored” my apartment and when my work contract expires, I’ll have to either renew my contract on my own or find a new spot. At the very least, it’s going to cost at least $3,000USD! Money that I already don’t have…

My one hope is and has been my finanical package. I figure that with my unemployment and my refund, I could live comfortably while I finish school and pursue my own business ventures until either my joints blow up or the economy picks up. Wouldn’t you know though, with this global credit crisis, I can’t get approved for a loan to save my life! Every loan I’ve applied for to date has been denied, and with every passing day, my financial day of reckoning grows closer!

With so much pressure, I fell in to deep depression that even now I still haven’t fully pulled out of.

The Catch-Up: To The Brink

It’s been FOREVER since I updated this joint like I’ve really wanted. Honestly, this blog is my love and, quite literally, my life. So it’s pained me to be away from it for so long. But things have gotten really hectic here over the past month, and the two or three days that I’d normally take between posts became a week and then two and then…. it’s been a long time! I know that I do have at least few fans that get their lives from my blog! Ss much as I need to write, I feel like I owe you so this is for y’all…

The Catch-Up Part I: To the Verge (And Back)

Being bipolar, my moods are a lot like waves – rising, cresting, and breaking, on and on, forever in an endless cycle of manic highs and depressed lows. For the longest, meds helped limit those craggy peaks and troughs. But ulimately there is no pharmaceutical solution for life! And I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic when I say it seemed like the circumstances of life all came together in a perfect storm that threw me way outside of whatever bounds I was I supposed to be in.

I was already cycling down when tragedy struck on the homefront. I won’t get into here but just imagine the worst that could ever happen happening! Yeah, and then add to that how close my family is and my extreme sense of empathy. And I’m spiraling!

And then the bank started screwing around with my accounts, and unilaterally corrected some mistake on their part from months back and completely wiped out my accounts. Yeah, accounts, as in multiple accounts. I was broke and that was like the day after I had gotten paid! I know I can always call home for help when I need it – and I definitely needed it – but with my family’s attentions rightfully somewhere else, I was stuck…. in free-fall.

At work, things had gone from bad to worse, as the grim reality that I’d be out of work set in for real for the first time. I had already began formulating my next move, but it’s one thing to imagine the freedom of self-employment and then a whole ‘nother thing imagining the risk and responsibility. It was more than a little overwhelming. In the meantime though, I’m stuck in an office with Scarecrow in the boss’ chair, enduring all the personal (as opposed to personnel) BS they can heap on. You have no idea how petty it all becomes after a while. There’s a point when you’d rather someone just tell you “Eat shit and die!” than have to endure their lil digs day in and day out. And at this point, I’ve reached terminal velocity!

And then, when it couldn’t get any worse, school comes in and really starts to kick my ass! Not that I could really concentrate anyway with everything else going on. It was one thing to read the chapters. But then, all the work was done on the computer in a program that didn’t work on Mac! Like for real, what kind of ish is that?!?! I just couldn’t be bothered! My eyes were focused…. on the impending crash!

Anti-Herbivore Behaviour

While some men here in Land of the Rising Sun may have lost their lust for life, others have really come into their own…. like literally! A great example of anti-herbivorous behaviour, meet one Masanobu Sato, crowned last month in San Francisco’s 9th Annual Masturbate-A-Thon as the world champion masturbator after a record setting 9 hours 58 minutes of going at it! Wow, how does he find to the time? I mean 10 hours! Really, 10 hours?!?

Read the, errr, gripping interview with the champ himself.

I wrote a post and made a video about, you know, foreigners finding their super powers here in the City. It seems that natives too find their powers in the light of foreign suns…. Super powers indeed!

Being the Boyfriend I Want to Have

It’s taken me longer to post than I would’ve liked. I’ve been pretty busy with work and school. But I’ve also been trying to take it easy, real easy… on my bank accounts. Truth is, I’m broke as hell and I just didn’t have the will or money to do it up as fabulously as I had been as of late. That funk has colored everything in my life. And I really didn’t want to blog about being all sad and depressed with no money, sitting in my apartment knocking off cartoon after cartoon of Häagen-Dazs Tiramisu ice cream (which is alternately, frozen crack and sex for your mouth). Nah, this really ain’t that kinda blog!

On a much lighter note, I came across this pic a few days ago on the net. Looking very much an upscale, Japanese version of a suicide vest, the Konkatsu [婚活: marriage-hunting] bra features a stop clock counting down to a set marriage deadline. According to the write-up on Japan Today, J-girl’s not gonna end up splattered on the sidewalk when the clock runs out though.  Nah, nothing happens unless an engagement ring is inserted between the cups,  at which point  “The Wedding March” plays to celebrate the pending nuptials.

Ridiculousness, I know! But it made me think. In my last post, I wrote about wanting to be in a relationship. Starting and maintaining a relationship in the City though is hard… for a million different reasons. It’s easy to get discouraged, and honestly, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t felt that way at some point. My recent “adventures” with the Seaman, Hershey and Half J have only made me that much more discouraged, like something is wrong with me.

Something wrong? With me!?! See, initially, the thought alone triggered my usual hyper-egomaniacal responses, like “Ain’t ish wrong with me!” But you know what? For once, I can admit it: something was wrong with me. That being that I didn’t actually carry myself like I wanted a relationship. Until recently you could’ve found me out, all drunk and loud, eyeing down everything moving, being anything but “boyfriend material” and in places everywhere but where you’d find a boyfriend. It wasn’t a good look! I’ll apply it to myself here… EPIC FAIL! Epic fail, indeed!

So my first move is act like I do indeed want a relationship. But this isn’t so much about impressing some block-head boy! No, this is about me loving me, taking better care of myself, and letting the love I have  naturally within radiate out. Simply put, I need to be to myself the boyfriend I want to have. And maybe that is somehting we all need to do… to be for ourselves the partner we want to have. Like the diva says: If you don’t love yourself, how you gonna love anybody else?

Do You Know Where You’re Going To?

Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Yeah, I’m having a Mahogany moment! LOL….

All jokes aside, things haven’t been the best here as of late. I know, I know, it seems like I’m having a fabulous time. And I am… when I’m out. When I’m home alone though my mind turns to the all the problems I’m facing and the troubling uncertainty of the future. I’ve avoided dealing with it all for so long but my time is running  short, and now I gotta move.

Job
So my contract at my current job ends on August 31. I’ve spent the past 3 months as something of a lame duck around the office, doing everything (i.e. this blog) except work. I honestly haven’t really looked for another job because I’ve been ambivalent about working here in Japan. My experience with Japanese companies and inter-office politics has been less than pleasant and that’s soured me somewhat against working for another Japanese company, especially one that doesn’t have a forward-looking, global perspective.

In my estimation, I could maybe survive on my unemployment benefits and financial aid refund. Instead of working I could focus on my creative projects which I’m dying to get out of my head. There are the T-shirt ideas that me and No. 1 have been trying to knock out since last year. There’s the novel my fingertips are aching to pound out. There are the hip-hop parties I want to put on Ni-chome.  And then there’s the online magazine that I’m hoping to rock the City with…. if only I had more time. Not having some lame 9-5 Pac-manning my time (and energy) might be just what I need to help me discover what I’m supposed to be doing in this life.

On the other hand, there was a job I saw posted the other day that I really REALLY want! I so want to say wish me luck but that feeling again….  ambivalence.

Apartment
So when I needed to move last year, I didn’t have anywhere near the 450,000JPY (about 4,200USD) that I needed for relocation costs. My company loaned me the money and in addition they signed my lease as a guarantor. This was a much appreciated favor at the time. But now that they’re not renewing my contract, I have to either sign a new lease or move exactly at a time when I have the money to do neither. Not to be too melodramatic but I could be homeless here in a few months if I can’t manage to finnagle something with this lease on the low low or find a new living situation. G-d knows I’ve hated my apartment since I moved-in but I’m not mentally or financially ready to move just yet.

Money
My job and housing problems are tied together by money, or more accurately, my lack of money. The City is expensive. Looking this fabulous in the City is even more expensive. And the truth is that despite all the getting around that I do, I’m always been something of financial interloper partying waaaay above my economic class. When I moved here last year I was out of work for 2 months, and money was crazy tight (read: non-existent). If it wasn’t for K-chan, my Momma and Deddy, and my Tranny Godmother, I wouldn’t have made it through. But I did! I got a job and then I got my financial aid refund, so I was aiight for a while. But with the return of the Summer, the well’s run dry. And the bills are stacking up! Even had a Japanese bill collector call the other asking for money and making their “pay-or-else” threats. LOL…. Like my Momma says though you can’t get blood from a stone! Still there’s always the knot in my stomach I get whenever people are calling demanding money that I don’t have.

Love

Over the past year or so, I’ve had a string of terrible relationships in what I characterize as bad love karma. Seems all those years of being careless with other people’s feelings have finally caught up with me. Well, that plus the fact that I (still) have a real problem with monogamy – both the concept and the execution. In any case I’ve been single for the past few months… and hating it! I’ve tried to focus on my school work and my work work and whatever else I could find to occupy my time. G-d knows that I ate my ice cream, but for some things there really are no substitutes! LOL…

I’ve had my lil’ crushes, most recently Half J, but nothing’s panned out so far. I go out with my friends and we party, and I usually end up waaay too drunk (when I shouldn’t even be drinking at all) and waaay past inappropriate… with everybody! LOL Admittedly, my partying may lead some people to get the wrong idea of me. I’m not a lush nor am I a man-whore! I guess a part of me is just lonely and the other part is trying to compensate. I want someone, someone to be here by myside for a while. I believe that everything happens in its own time but damn….tick tick.

*******

At the end of the day, I lie in the bed sleepless, my mind racing. I’m trying to find out where exactly it is that my life is headed. Wondering whether I truly am the “master of my fate” or and the “captain of my soul”. Standing on the verge of another entirely new life, I’m not so sure anymore.